My Testimony

When I was in high school I was diagnosed with ADHD and Asperger’s Syndrome which is type of autism. When I first went in high school for first time I was so terrified because it was unknown to me and it was something I wasn’t used to going to. I was a people pleaser during this time because I wanted everyone to like me and be friends with me so much so that I did stupid things to fit in with the crowd instead of being who God wanted me to be which was embracing who I really was. I didn’t really know much about God and his plans for me during high school because I wanted to fit in most of the time because I wanted friends and to be apart of everything. I didn’t really care about boundaries or about what people told me because I didn’t matter to me at all I was living my own way and it got worse from there. My senior year was the worst year of them all because I asked a girl to go to prom with me and she said yes and I was excited about it. But when prom came it didn’t go so well because not only did she lie to my face but the following month she goes with someone else to theirs and that broke me so bad that I didn’t trust anyone again. This is part where me creating scenarios in my head and making them true comes from. This had been going on for 9 years after high school and I’ve been in the Negative speed force for that long as well. I watch the flash a lot that’s where I got that from is season 5 actually because it feeds off negative emotion and the things I have been feeling where very similar to the negative force. I had been angry, bitter, upset, I’d compare myself to others on social media, jealous of others because of what they have, thought I was better than others, had trouble forgiving people that needed it from me, I had some hate inside of me for awhile because I didn’t know who God was at the time. Last year during quarantine God showed a lot that I was missing and what I was doing during those 9 years. I was a selfish person who didn’t care for no one because I thought I was better than them and God showed me that I was this way because of what happed at prom because your problem was small but you made it bitter by opening the portal the negative force and letting it have its way in your mind and I became the bitter person that would go to church with a dark cloud faking happiness when I really wasn’t. He also showed me that this impacted how I view God and others because I was the kind of person who didn’t want help from no one, I went to church before Desperation and someone tried to mentor me and it didn’t go well because I didn’t understand at the time why he was doing it and so I judged him for that and that’s how I started judging everyone that gives me advice or mentors me because that person did it this next ones gonna do it and take advantage of you. It got so bad I didn’t want to attend church anymore and during quarantine he showed me I was alone and I wanted to do life alone because it’s better that way, no one will hurt me and reject me but something happened that just made me see this differently, perseverance and hope, those things got me past the worst times I’ve faced because I realized deep down I needed people in my life and something changed in me after. I was actually really alone during this process and I had no one to help me through it, no Christian friends to lean on when it hurt most that’s why for the most part I did life alone because I was already alone before and after high school because no one understood or cared to understand how I felt and this was what the anger and resentment cane from is the fact I carried these burdens alone. This negative force has controlled me for a long time and year I decided to finally let God in. At the end of season 5 of the flash it was talking about legacy and that legacy that I was living full of hate and anger and resentment I didn’t want to live in that anymore so I asked God what do you want me to do and all of a sudden his presence fills the room and it just took away all that pain I used to feel and that hate and anger I used to have. Now I go to church so happy because that portal to that force has been closed and it no longer controls my thoughts anymore. I am blessed to have a God that does this because it wasn’t for Him I wouldn’t have went through this like I did because He got me through the worst parts of my life and I’m thankful every day for that. This was a very big challenge for me because of my condition and if I can get through my hard times and they were hard I know you can too you just have to keep on hoping that God has better for you which he does.

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